Hey Internet, do you have a moment? I know you’re pretty busy a lot of the time, what with publishing your Facebook statuses, gazing at pictures of cats and everything, but can I talk to you for a bit? I feel the need to get a few things off my chest – and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone else.
So, you know those people who appear to be happy with their lot, who, whenever you ask them how they’re feeling, always respond with an “OK thanks” and who insist that everything’s fine? You know they’re lying 90% of the time, don’t you? I should know, I’m one of those people.
I’ve always been one of those people who have tried to hide their feelings, who let all their worries and frustrations build up. Thing is, there comes a point when those worries build up so much that you end up letting them out all at once. By now I should have learned not to, but it still happens. I guess it’s because I don’t want to bother people with my problems, get people involved, as they probably have their own stuff to deal with, or just think that they wouldn’t understand if I told them.
Truth is, I am not “fine” at the moment, and I haven’t been for some time. This year so far has been made up of more crap moments than good moments, and I don’t see it getting much better. For the first time in my life, I was scared that I was going to lose one of my parents, I mean really scared. The days that I was having to go into work, worrying about my Dad all the time he was in hospital, while at the same time worrying about my Mum and wishing that I was able to help her more as she was running back and forth. When I failed to get that job I applied for earlier this year, I said I was happy that I’d got to the interview stage, seeing as I didn’t think I’d get as far as the first stage of the application. That “happiness” quickly turned into the good old feeling of rejection made worse by the fact that the whole application and interview process had been so bloody pleasant. It was like being kicked to pieces by the nicest people on Earth. I didn’t expect to get through anyway if I’m honest. Looking back, I was out of my depth throughout the whole assessment day.
Then there’s work. I’m going to say it now, I have never hated it more than I do now. I won’t go into the entire details, but basically, I don’t feel like I belong there as much as I used to. It feels like I am not as valued as some other people I work with and that the person who I should be able to turn to for help and support don’t want to know. In fact that person seems to not want to do anything except make things difficult for me. I won’t lie, there have been one or two moments where I have wanted to tell them to stick their job and storm out. In reality, I don’t have the guts to go through with it. I guess I’m stuck there until I find something else, which is highly unlikely at the moment.
And then to cap it all off, I have my own little health problem to deal with. Not an incredibly serious one, but bad enough to need a referral to a specialist. This problem has been with me for about two years ,but only now as it’s got really bad, is anything being done about it. When I think about how many times I’d been to the doctor about it, it annoys me that it’s only really being dealt with now. It might not have got as bad as this if I’d been referred for a scan the first time round. I just hope any treatment I get will help reduce the limping, sleepness nights and general shitty moods that I have had since it reared its ugly head again.
While I have tried to fight it, I have got to the stage where I just feel like giving up. On everything. I see everyone I know moving forward with their lives, whether in their careers or their relationships and I am just stuck here. And whenever I try to do something about it, I get thrown back to where I started. I can’t get a boyfriend to save my life and can’t believe that anyone would be the slightest bit interested in me anyway, which I am fully aware adds to the problem. I’m fed up of feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone or anything, and that I am stuck where I am. I don’t know what more I can do, so why carry on trying?
I know I am going to regret writing a lot of this afterwards. I already feel like I have taken up far too much of your time. I just hope you understand why I felt like I had to write this. If you have been here all the way through, thanks for reading. And I promise I won’t write anything like this again.