As I write this, I have been on the sick from work for almost a month, thanks to my arthritis deciding that it wanted to attack my right knee as well as my left. My right knee swelled up so badly my GP managed to get me an appointment with my consultant the same day who gave me a steroid injection. I thought I would be back in a week, but it has taken me a lot longer than anticipated. I still can’t bend my knee much, I still get a bit of a limp and I have trouble going up the stairs, but it’s not as bad as it was.
At first I felt a bit guilty about it. I haven’t been off this long in all the time I’ve been working. It has been a source of worry at times and I have been stressed out whenever I have had to contact them, but it has been a wakeup call. All too often, I have gone to work when I really shouldn’t have done. I’ve gone to work when I’ve been feeling sick, when I’ve had barely any voice from throat infections and colds, stomach cramps. When the arthritis was at its worst in my other knee I practically limped in every day. And in the weeks before my latest episode, I’d felt twinges of pain in my right knee and in my feet, which I’d put down to being on my feet a lot (which happens a lot in my job). All the times I’ve done those things it was because I didn’t want to let anyone down or cause any problems not being there. Now I know that I should have listened to my mum and my sister all those times when they told me that my health was more important than my job. I realise that I have to put myself first more often and that trying to work through an illness is not always the best idea.
When I go back to work, I’m going to have to be a lot more careful. I’m going to have to sit down more often. I’m even having to consider getting a walking stick, just in case I have any bad days. I have been putting it off for a long time to be honest, part through thinking that I really didn’t need one and part through fearing what people would think of me walking around with one. There isn’t any point in worrying what others might think now.
Recently new things have happened. I’m in a new house (rented, temporarily, while ours gets sorted out). I am a new age (it was my birthday the other day. Guess how old I am). I’ve been trying out new things and been considering options that I hadn’t really thought about until now.
I’ve been seriously thinking about making a particular change for a while. I’d been reading up on it online while feeling pretty down about where things were going for me, particularly job wise. I abandoned it for a bit until I saw a course on one of those online course sites that was on special offer. I signed up to it as I thought it might be helpful to improve skills and give a bit more of an idea of what it was I am interested in doing. The more I’ve read up on it, the more I feel like I could give it a go, if only just to make a bit of extra money in the first instance (yes I have read up on the tax things although I don’t expect to make shedloads of money from the start).
All I need really are the ideas and then I’ll be good to go… I think.
It’s New Year’s Day. Some people rang in 2018 full of optimism for the year ahead. I woke up this morning wishing that I lived in Scotland so I could have an extra day’s holiday.
I’m tired. I’m bored of everything that’s on TV. I’m getting increasingly annoyed at all the social media posts declaring “New year, new me”. It might well be a new year, but the “new” you will still have a lot of the old you in them. People who hop on board that train never really change; they just find other, better ways to disguise who they really are. They fool others, even themselves, into thinking that they are a different person to who they were before until inevitably, the mask slips.
I’m not in the mood to be positive, sorry about that. Maybe I will feel that way in a day or two. For now, I just want to sleep for an age. Happy New Year and all that.
Those days following Christmas Day and Boxing Day always feel weird. The first day back at work seems to go as slow as anything and it’s hard to adjust and remember exactly what day of the week it is. Normally, I’m ok with it, but this year I seem particularly bad. I woke up this morning at about 4:50am and struggled to get to proper sleep again (I usually get up for work just before 7am). All through the morning I felt tired and found it hard to concentrate. When I did come home in the afternoon all I wanted to do was sleep (at least today was my half day). I didn’t want to do anything else at all.
It’s not just today that it’s happened. It’s happened to me a lot in the last six months. I feel tired and devoid of energy. It’s a struggle sometimes to get up and do things. On days off I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything apart from stay in bed. As for work, I try and manage, but sometimes I find myself struggling to focus on what I’m doing. Often it feels like I’m doing too many things at once. It doesn’t help when it often feels like you’re the only one in the workplace (and a lot of time it is just me and my boss). It also doesn’t help when you feel that your manager doesn’t really want to know or give you any support, as illustrated by their body language and how abrupt they are with you when you even try and talk to them. It’s got to the point that I want to hand in my notice, but I don’t have another job to go to. I’ve applied for stuff in the last few months, only for them to come to nothing. One never even bothered to tell me that I hadn’t been shortlisted.
Everyone says I should hold on until I’ve got something else, but I don’t know how much longer I can. I’ve been down about my job a few times over the years, but not like this.
It’s the end of November. How did that happen? Only seems like yesterday I began this, but now it’s the end. I haven’t managed to blog everyday, but it’s been close enough.
I could write here how I hoped that some of the posts could have been better but just getting the energy to write them was enough. I still feel like I’ve been able to handle this a lot better than if I had done NaNoWriMo (not knocking NaNoWriMo and never will, just don’t feel that it will ever suit me after my experience doing it). I think if I do this again I’ll plan some of them in advance, only a few of them mind.
And so I will sign off here while bemoaning the fact that Kelloggs are axing Ricicles. Why they do that and continue to produce Special K I’ll never know. Almost feel like staging a protest at the factory, it’s not too far away from me.
After I posted last night’s blog I realised that I should have done two separate entries rather than one. I’ll have to do a double post towards the end of the month.
Today once again I feel exhausted. I’ve had a lot to do this week, both in job and out of it. I think I’m on top of things, but I still feel like I’m about to collapse into a heap.
EDIT: Somehow I ended up republishing this on the 29th as my wordpress app said it was still a draft for some reason even though I was sure it was up on here.
Searching random things on the internet when you’re bored and have nothing to do is the worst. Think about it, depending on what you look for, it makes you feel bad, makes you angry, makes you spend money on things that you don’t need and will regret wasting later.
Sure there are some good things that you will find during a spontaneous google session but it’s only the potentially negative things that you will be drawn to because you’re feeling down in the first place or in the mood to have a rant. Spending money on something only makes you believe you’re cheering yourself up. Days later you’ll find that that thing you saw on amazon you bought on impulse wasn’t as great as you thought it was.
Blogging about it only makes me feel a tiny bit better.