Recently new things have happened. I’m in a new house (rented, temporarily, while ours gets sorted out). I am a new age (it was my birthday the other day. Guess how old I am). I’ve been trying out new things and been considering options that I hadn’t really thought about until now.
I’ve been seriously thinking about making a particular change for a while. I’d been reading up on it online while feeling pretty down about where things were going for me, particularly job wise. I abandoned it for a bit until I saw a course on one of those online course sites that was on special offer. I signed up to it as I thought it might be helpful to improve skills and give a bit more of an idea of what it was I am interested in doing. The more I’ve read up on it, the more I feel like I could give it a go, if only just to make a bit of extra money in the first instance (yes I have read up on the tax things although I don’t expect to make shedloads of money from the start).
All I need really are the ideas and then I’ll be good to go… I think.
Those days following Christmas Day and Boxing Day always feel weird. The first day back at work seems to go as slow as anything and it’s hard to adjust and remember exactly what day of the week it is. Normally, I’m ok with it, but this year I seem particularly bad. I woke up this morning at about 4:50am and struggled to get to proper sleep again (I usually get up for work just before 7am). All through the morning I felt tired and found it hard to concentrate. When I did come home in the afternoon all I wanted to do was sleep (at least today was my half day). I didn’t want to do anything else at all.
It’s not just today that it’s happened. It’s happened to me a lot in the last six months. I feel tired and devoid of energy. It’s a struggle sometimes to get up and do things. On days off I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything apart from stay in bed. As for work, I try and manage, but sometimes I find myself struggling to focus on what I’m doing. Often it feels like I’m doing too many things at once. It doesn’t help when it often feels like you’re the only one in the workplace (and a lot of time it is just me and my boss). It also doesn’t help when you feel that your manager doesn’t really want to know or give you any support, as illustrated by their body language and how abrupt they are with you when you even try and talk to them. It’s got to the point that I want to hand in my notice, but I don’t have another job to go to. I’ve applied for stuff in the last few months, only for them to come to nothing. One never even bothered to tell me that I hadn’t been shortlisted.
Everyone says I should hold on until I’ve got something else, but I don’t know how much longer I can. I’ve been down about my job a few times over the years, but not like this.
Today I got another “what do you want for Christmas?” text. I still have no idea what I want. Well, there is something that I would like, but I’m pretty sure that neither they or anyone else could get it for me. Sometimes you find out that there are things in life you have to go and get yourself. People can help you, but it’s down to you if you want it that much (I know I am venturing pretty close to “inspirational quote BS” territory here. Forgive me).
Mind you, I don’t see why I should be so quick to hit back with a present idea for myself when a reply consisting of “what would you like?” gets a “I dunno really” in return. But it’s fine. We all know it gets harder as we get older and find ourselves earning money that we can just as easily spend on ourselves as anyone else we know.
If life is a motorway, then I am stuck in a never-ending traffic jam while everyone else is moving forward at various speeds.
You might be able to tell that I’m not in the most positive mood today. It did start well enough. I guess every now and again, the amount of stuff you see and hear of people you know who are moving away, having a baby or getting engaged takes its toll on you a bit. Sure you’re happy for them, but you then realise that in some ways you haven’t progressed any further from where you were a year or two ago. In some ways, you may even stepped back. We carry on, work our arses off and make the best of the situation we’re in, but it doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.
Maybe I should stop looking at Facebook, shut down my account. I have thought about it a number of times in the past, then decided against it as I still really wanted to stay in touch with the majority of those I know on there. The plus side is that I don’t have many people on it so my Facebook timeline isn’t heaving with every little detail of people’s lives mixed with the odd inspirational quote and stupid meme. It’s all too easy to get caught up in what others are doing that you don’t focus on what you’re doing and what you’re capable of doing.
I’m straying into self-help territory, so I think I had better end this blog now.
Another week of work is done. I am tempted to hole myself up in my bed all weekend, but I know I will have to get out and do things. I always find myself getting more tired at this time of year. Maybe it’s to do with the changing of the clocks, or the heating being turned up and knocking you out in the process, or just the increasing need to be in or on something cosy (steady).
There is nothing more cosy than your own bed. Especially when it’s just you in it.
It must be about three years since I last did a post every day for a month. Back then, I did it after deciding that NaNoWriMo wasn’t for me, after a pretty poor attempt at it the year before I began the first daily blog challenge I did. Blogging every day? That should be much easier, or so I thought. I did start off OK, but a good chunk of it towards the end of the month consisted of basically any old rubbish and apologies for my posts not being as good. Oh well, I still managed it in the end.
I haven’t really planned anything for this, by the way. I know some will already know what they’ll talk about if their blog has a theme, but mine doesn’t have one as such (I have tried) so the posts you’ll see over the next month will be a mixture of anything and everything that’s in my head at the time. Keeps things interesting I suppose – or not.
Anyway, that’s my first brainfart of the month posted. If you happen to be doing the NaBloPoMo thing too, good luck with it.
This morning I turned up to work to find a load of pigeons hovering above it. There’s often one or two sitting on the roof between my workplace and the takeaway next door, but this time there must have been at least eight of them.
They all landed on the ground as I went to open up. They started pecking at the floor. It was then I noticed that the ground around me was covered in breadcrumbs and that the person dropping them was in the flat above the takeaway.
Needless to say, I was pissed off.
Here was this individual, leaning out of their window, throwing huge wads of breadcrumbs to a bunch of feathered rats with wings. To do it anywhere would be stupid but YOU LIVE ABOVE A TAKEAWAY! YOU KNOW, A PLACE THAT SELLS FOOD! AND PIGEONS ARE A FUCKING HEALTH HAZARD! I’m sure the owners of the aforementioned establishment would rather you not encourage the little shitting machines to hang out at their place. I would also rather not have them around either, seeing as the last time someone attracted a bunch of them to there they made a nest in a hole in the takeaway’s shop sign and crapped everywhere. You’d come to work in the morning and the ground would be covered in pigeon shit as well as all over the padlock for the electric shutter panel. Yours truly had to unlock it nearly every day holding it with a tissue and sterilise it the moment I got inside. At the end of the day, you’d be closing up trying to avoid one of the little blighters dropping one on you (they dropped one on my hand as I was putting the shutters down twice. Another colleague just missed getting it in their eye).
I’m not a violent person by any means, but I see that person trying to feed the birds again I will tie them to the roof and let the flying vermin eat off them and shit all over them.
There’s a heatwave over here at the moment and like many people, I can’t handle it. I mean, this is not the kind of weather we are used to getting. Even when we get over a week of it we’re not used to it. The longer it lasts, the more I want it to rain hard. No doubt this hot spell will end in a raging thunderstorm like it nearly always does (they’re already forecasting it). In the meantime, all we can do is keep hydrated, as cool as possible and avoid getting sunburn as best we can.
Oh and also resist the urge to hide out in a walk in freezer because that rarely ends well.
I came on here to write another thing, but I forgot what it was, so I thought I’d do that thing I do every now and again where I make a spotify playlist and share it. Here’s the latest one I put together. Includes a winner of The Voice, a few legends, a couple of legends in the making and stuff that reminds me of my student days, among other things.
The playlist will probably get bigger as I go along, which means I might end up renaming it again at some point. Feel free to keep coming back to it and/or follow it if you like.
Last night I was once again debating whether to carry on with this blog or allow it to drift away into cyberspace. I ended up asking Twitter to help with my decision, using the poll function and the result was 100% that I should keep going. Cheers to the five people who voted, by the way. I’m not sure who you are because twitter doesn’t give those stats but I appreciate you for doing so.
OK, so after deciding to go with the will of the people I am now trying to work out how to make it a bit better. I’ve been doing a bit of maintenance over the last day, including getting rid of some of the old blogs I don’t use any more (most of these cropped up when I was struggling for ideas for this one). For the first time I’ve been thinking about the direction I should take with this blog. In the beginning when I first started this I wasn’t too bothered about concentrating on any particular theme apart from everything that interested me and/or came into my head when I wrote it, but now I’m wondering whether to leave certain things out and put more focus on posts about others.
I’ve already thought about cutting back on the more personal posts. I never really intended this to be a moanathon about the crapness of my life because I wanted to look like I enjoy writing, but I realised that the worse writers’ block I had the more I strayed into that territory. I will probably end up looking back on nine years worth of posts (yes I have been on here that long) in order to decide what else to post more and scale back on. Any other suggestions from readers are most welcome.
Anyway, enough of this rambling, I’m off to find out who Balaclava Man is. (Line of Duty reference. Don’t tell me you haven’t been watching, unless you’re not in the UK).