I haven’t been feeling myself today.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t been out of the house for the best part of a week, or that I was struck with the once a month curse this week. I’ve just felt really down in a way that I haven’t for a while. And tired. Really tired. Not even going for a walk earlier made me feel better, or any of the other things I like doing when in a bit of a funk.
Writing helps a little when you have an idea of what to talk about. Right now I am just typing the first thing that comes into my head into this space in the hope that something might stand out. It’s not going so well. I should know by now that I’m not so good at blogging when I feel like crap.
I’ll come back when I feel more like talking.
Lockdown measures are easing a bit and many of the shops are opening again. While going for a wander around Primark or going to Greggs for my first cheese and onion bake in months is tempting, I think it might still be a while before I have the energy for a full on shopping trip. I don’t fear setting foot in a shopping centre, I’ve just become a whole lot lazier these last few weeks. I’ve also focussed more on getting the stuff I need rather than the stuff I want. Amazon, surprisingly has become a lifesaver for me the last couple of months, as I’ve found that things I would normally have got online from other suppliers have been much easier and quicker to get from them. I never knew that they sold certain toiletries until a near three week wait for a delivery from a well known health and beauty retailer at the height of the lockdown period forced me to source some of the more urgent items sooner.
I’ve been spending more time sorting stuff at the house, ahead of the final stages (hopefully) of the renovation. It seems like I find more magazines from years ago the more often I go. I mean, I did read a LOT of comics as a kid as well as anything that I could get my hands on bar the more grown up stuff. I’m just shocked we still had so many of them when I’m sure we were regularly recycling a lot of them up until a few years ago.
I found a sketchbook at the house from when I was about 13. Was reminded I did have a bit of drawing ability back then, even if it was mostly drawing cartoon and video game characters. My drawing skills are practically non-existent now (my sister was the real artist in the family), but I was always more into writing.
I’ve added more to my Spotify playlist because I was bored.
I’m looking forward to being able to go away again. Some might moan about “staycations”, but I love going on holidays in the UK. I admit I currently have limited options, what with having not renewed my passport yet. But even if I did have a valid one I’d still choose holidaying on home turf. It’s just how I am.
I miss my friends more than ever, but I’m feeling more hopeful that I’ll get to see them before the end of September at least.
I learned that another term for smartphone addiction is nomophobia. I’m not one to self-diagnose based on what I find on the internet, but…
My Life Story were a hugely underrated band. “If You Can’t Live Without Me Then Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?” should have been massive, as should “12 Reasons Why I Love Her” but I think we already knew that.
And that is about it for now. Hope everything is well with you.
Last weekend my iPhone crashed. I spent the best part of nearly three hours trying to download the update, only for it having to be restored to factory settings and my most recent backup being installed on it. It was then that I found out that my phone hadn’t backed up since June, so all the apps that installed were all the old versions which wouldn’t work until I had downloaded the update. I did of course, backup my phone to my computer after I had installed everything (I usually do it to the cloud but it was taking a hell of a long time that night and I was very, very, impatient).
A few days ago, I noticed that nearly the entire middle row of my laptop’s keyboard wasn’t working properly. Out of ASDFGHJKL, only the “G” and “H” keys were okay, while some of the symbols weren’t working either. I gave the keyboard a clean, but still no luck. Not good for someone who blogs and has also started an online copywriting course. I bought a USB keyboard off amazon and you know what, I am pretty glad I did in the end. As much as I like the keyboard on my laptop, I’ve not always felt comfortable using it. It’s alright when you’re browsing the web, tweeting and stuff like that, but it could be a bit of a pain when you’re writing longer things. Also it used to be pretty annoying when I was writing a blog post or email only to have to start over when the corner of my hand would catch a button whilst typing and delete everything.
I’m just hoping I don’t have any other technical difficulties for a bit as I don’t really want to fork out for anything new just yet unless anything goes completely kaput.
(By the way, these technical difficulties have meant that part two of my “Brief History of Blogging” post has been delayed somewhat. It is coming, I promise).
This is Bunny. I was given him by my Auntie and Uncle when I was a baby, and he was my favourite toy. As a kid, I would take him everywhere. On car trips he would sit next to me on the back seat. He was there through a lot of good times, and also a lot of horrible times. To my very young self, Bunny was more of a toy, he was my best friend. Even when I hit my teens and the bulk of my toys I used to play with had been stored away, Bunny was still there, perched on a table next to my bed.
As I grew up and moved onto university and adulthood, Bunny eventually joined the other childhood things that had been carefully put away. Those childhood things later became lost under a pile of grown up things (you find out when you move back home from uni just how much crap you acquire). I was worried that I would never find Bunny again. Both my Auntie and Uncle had passed away by then, so I was more upset at the thought of not being able to find him.
A few days ago, on my 38th birthday, there was a shiny pink box among the presents. I was told it was a special present, so I left it until last. As I lifted the lid of the box, there was Bunny. My sister had found him on the floor of our bedroom, a bit dusty and his ears having come apart a little. The people renovating our house must have uncovered him while they were moving stuff around. Mum had washed him twice and stitched him up. When I took him out of the box, he looked good as new, save for his eyes being a little bit scratched, the result of the time that I tried to make him fly as a toddler. Seeing him there and holding him once again got me all emotional. Out of all the presents I got that day, this was surely the best one.
Bunny now takes pride of place next to my bed. And I’m not going to let go of him.
Recently new things have happened. I’m in a new house (rented, temporarily, while ours gets sorted out). I am a new age (it was my birthday the other day. Guess how old I am). I’ve been trying out new things and been considering options that I hadn’t really thought about until now.
I’ve been seriously thinking about making a particular change for a while. I’d been reading up on it online while feeling pretty down about where things were going for me, particularly job wise. I abandoned it for a bit until I saw a course on one of those online course sites that was on special offer. I signed up to it as I thought it might be helpful to improve skills and give a bit more of an idea of what it was I am interested in doing. The more I’ve read up on it, the more I feel like I could give it a go, if only just to make a bit of extra money in the first instance (yes I have read up on the tax things although I don’t expect to make shedloads of money from the start).
All I need really are the ideas and then I’ll be good to go… I think.
Those days following Christmas Day and Boxing Day always feel weird. The first day back at work seems to go as slow as anything and it’s hard to adjust and remember exactly what day of the week it is. Normally, I’m ok with it, but this year I seem particularly bad. I woke up this morning at about 4:50am and struggled to get to proper sleep again (I usually get up for work just before 7am). All through the morning I felt tired and found it hard to concentrate. When I did come home in the afternoon all I wanted to do was sleep (at least today was my half day). I didn’t want to do anything else at all.
It’s not just today that it’s happened. It’s happened to me a lot in the last six months. I feel tired and devoid of energy. It’s a struggle sometimes to get up and do things. On days off I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything apart from stay in bed. As for work, I try and manage, but sometimes I find myself struggling to focus on what I’m doing. Often it feels like I’m doing too many things at once. It doesn’t help when it often feels like you’re the only one in the workplace (and a lot of time it is just me and my boss). It also doesn’t help when you feel that your manager doesn’t really want to know or give you any support, as illustrated by their body language and how abrupt they are with you when you even try and talk to them. It’s got to the point that I want to hand in my notice, but I don’t have another job to go to. I’ve applied for stuff in the last few months, only for them to come to nothing. One never even bothered to tell me that I hadn’t been shortlisted.
Everyone says I should hold on until I’ve got something else, but I don’t know how much longer I can. I’ve been down about my job a few times over the years, but not like this.
If life is a motorway, then I am stuck in a never-ending traffic jam while everyone else is moving forward at various speeds.
You might be able to tell that I’m not in the most positive mood today. It did start well enough. I guess every now and again, the amount of stuff you see and hear of people you know who are moving away, having a baby or getting engaged takes its toll on you a bit. Sure you’re happy for them, but you then realise that in some ways you haven’t progressed any further from where you were a year or two ago. In some ways, you may even stepped back. We carry on, work our arses off and make the best of the situation we’re in, but it doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.
Maybe I should stop looking at Facebook, shut down my account. I have thought about it a number of times in the past, then decided against it as I still really wanted to stay in touch with the majority of those I know on there. The plus side is that I don’t have many people on it so my Facebook timeline isn’t heaving with every little detail of people’s lives mixed with the odd inspirational quote and stupid meme. It’s all too easy to get caught up in what others are doing that you don’t focus on what you’re doing and what you’re capable of doing.
I’m straying into self-help territory, so I think I had better end this blog now.
This morning I turned up to work to find a load of pigeons hovering above it. There’s often one or two sitting on the roof between my workplace and the takeaway next door, but this time there must have been at least eight of them.
They all landed on the ground as I went to open up. They started pecking at the floor. It was then I noticed that the ground around me was covered in breadcrumbs and that the person dropping them was in the flat above the takeaway.
Needless to say, I was pissed off.
Here was this individual, leaning out of their window, throwing huge wads of breadcrumbs to a bunch of feathered rats with wings. To do it anywhere would be stupid but YOU LIVE ABOVE A TAKEAWAY! YOU KNOW, A PLACE THAT SELLS FOOD! AND PIGEONS ARE A FUCKING HEALTH HAZARD! I’m sure the owners of the aforementioned establishment would rather you not encourage the little shitting machines to hang out at their place. I would also rather not have them around either, seeing as the last time someone attracted a bunch of them to there they made a nest in a hole in the takeaway’s shop sign and crapped everywhere. You’d come to work in the morning and the ground would be covered in pigeon shit as well as all over the padlock for the electric shutter panel. Yours truly had to unlock it nearly every day holding it with a tissue and sterilise it the moment I got inside. At the end of the day, you’d be closing up trying to avoid one of the little blighters dropping one on you (they dropped one on my hand as I was putting the shutters down twice. Another colleague just missed getting it in their eye).
I’m not a violent person by any means, but I see that person trying to feed the birds again I will tie them to the roof and let the flying vermin eat off them and shit all over them.
Now and again there are people who will ask you “Where do you see yourself in five years time?” Five years? I don’t see myself in five days time never mind five years.
And yet, there are some people who have it all planned out. They have an idea what they want to do, where they want to be, and how they are going to get it. They list out all their goals, when they are going to achieve them by, crossing them out as each achievement is unlocked. Until they hit a snag, and they start all over again. Their hard work undone by something they could not have forseen.
It’s good to make plans for the future, but I find that some things are better off not being planned in advance. I have dreams, and things that I want to achieve in life, just like everyone else, but I’ve found that spending a whole evening planning out how to achieve it is a waste of time, because you never know what will happen in between.
As we get into the last days of 2016, I’m just waiting for it to hurry up and be over with. Not that I think that 2017 will definitely be better mind, I’m just thinking that we could all do with a break from everything that’s gone on this year.
Whatever does happen though, I am determined to handle it a lot better than I did this year. Unliking all those news pages I had on Facebook was a good start. Next I’m going to unfollow and/or block/mute all the news pages and general accounts that seem to be spouting nothing but negativity. I’m done with feeling hopeless and angry about everything I read and hear. I know, it would probably be better to just get off the internet, if only it was easy to do that.
I guess I just want to feel a bit of hope from somewhere and I definitely want to feel a bit more positive about my life and stuff. I’m sure we all want to go into the new year feeling that.