This week I…

Have spent most of it without taking my anxiety medication (which I only use when I need it). There were two situations when maybe I should have done but I’m trying not to become dependent on them and only using them when I feel I have to.

Managed to do one night of sleep during the working week without waking up at 4am and struggle to get back to sleep until I have to get up.

Emailed the counselling team confirming I want to access the service. Actually emailed them twice seeing as I realised that in the first email I’d sent them I’d got part of the email address wrong.

Realised I should have used my walking stick at least once this week.

Really want to get a SNES classic mini, because I never had one and always wanted to play Super Mario World.

Found out how I might look with purple hair.

(Yeah, probably not.)


Today, once again, I looked at jobs online. Once again, I didn’t find anything and I was generally pissed off about it. How can it be that there isn’t a single thing that neither interested me or was qualified to do on Monster or any of the other job sites I was looking at?

It was then that it hit me, that I am so keen on getting out of my current job and doing something different, that I have no idea of what I want to do. I mean, I know what I would like to do, I’d like to try and see if I can make anything out of writing stuff. I just can’t see a way into doing it. And as time goes on, it seems harder and harder to try and find a way into it.

It’s strange, as at my stage of life, you should really know what you want in life, even have some of it. Truth is, I knew more of what I wanted at 25 than I do now at 35. Am I having a mid life crisis? I only thought that happened to fiftysomething blokes who buy a Harley and ditch their wife for someone thirty years younger.

In the meantime, I would really love to have a good night’s sleep at some point.


I turned 34 a few days ago. While there was celebration at reaching another year of being on this Earth, there was also disappointment at being another year closer to 40. I don’t really feel that old, not yet anyway. It’s not much different to when I was 33, when it took me a while to get used to saying I was. Kind of like getting used to writing 2015 instead of 2014 (that must have taken me about three weeks).

Anyway, now that I am another year older, I feel like I should begin to be more of an adult. I feel like I have most of the bases covered already – a job, a credit card, responsibility for paying bills, etc. but I know that there’s more. I feel like as much as I am a grown up, I feel like there’s so many things that I’m lacking. Things that I thought I would have got by now, places I thought I would have got to. It’s got to the point where I’m wondering if where I am is all that there is for me. Sometimes, it’s as if I don’t really know who I am.

Maybe it’s about time I tried to find out.


I’m on leave from work for the next two weeks. Once again, I have no idea what I’m doing for most of it. I have one or two things lined up, but for the most part I will be just resting. One thing’s for sure, I need it.

It nearly always seems to be the case that whenever I do plan on doing certain things when I am off, it never really comes to anything anyway. Before you go off, you say you’ll do things like clear out your old stuff you don’t want anymore, go through your finances, start on that novel you’ve been wanting to write for ages, then when the time does come along, you just can’t be arsed with it at all. Then by the time your leave is over, you feel guilty thinking you never really did anything during your time off.

For the record, I’m aiming to use the time off I have to catch up on the Doctor Who episodes I’ve missed, continue with the online photography course I’ve had to put off for a while and maybe think about what I really want out of this thing called life. And work on that novel.


..a couple of things have happened since I last blogged on here.

My Dad has been in hospital for the last week and a half. He went in for one operation, yet ended up having to have another one for something else. Everything’s gone well and he seems fine, but needless to say, it was a bit worrying for a time. Hopefully he will be home in the next day or so, but I hope they let him go when he is fully fit to go.

The other thing is, I mentioned a few posts back that I had applied for a particular job. Well, after passing what seems like loads of rounds in the application process, I’ve been invited for an interview. Well it’s probably a little more than an interview as they brand them “assessment centres”, but it is an interview all the same. I am happy, excited yet at the same time nervous and still in a state of shock over it. Given that I was working right up until the deadline on my application and thought that I was writing a bit of nonsense, I thought I was lucky to get past the first stage! I’m just waiting to find out the date of it now.  I have to say that the company I’ve applied to have a excellent twitter account that has a lot of helpful information for people applying to them.  Definitely a good thing.

Anyway, that’s enough for the moment.