As I write this, I have been on the sick from work for almost a month, thanks to my arthritis deciding that it wanted to attack my right knee as well as my left. My right knee swelled up so badly my GP managed to get me an appointment with my consultant the same day who gave me a steroid injection. I thought I would be back in a week, but it has taken me a lot longer than anticipated. I still can’t bend my knee much, I still get a bit of a limp and I have trouble going up the stairs, but it’s not as bad as it was.
At first I felt a bit guilty about it. I haven’t been off this long in all the time I’ve been working. It has been a source of worry at times and I have been stressed out whenever I have had to contact them, but it has been a wakeup call. All too often, I have gone to work when I really shouldn’t have done. I’ve gone to work when I’ve been feeling sick, when I’ve had barely any voice from throat infections and colds, stomach cramps. When the arthritis was at its worst in my other knee I practically limped in every day. And in the weeks before my latest episode, I’d felt twinges of pain in my right knee and in my feet, which I’d put down to being on my feet a lot (which happens a lot in my job). All the times I’ve done those things it was because I didn’t want to let anyone down or cause any problems not being there. Now I know that I should have listened to my mum and my sister all those times when they told me that my health was more important than my job. I realise that I have to put myself first more often and that trying to work through an illness is not always the best idea.
When I go back to work, I’m going to have to be a lot more careful. I’m going to have to sit down more often. I’m even having to consider getting a walking stick, just in case I have any bad days. I have been putting it off for a long time to be honest, part through thinking that I really didn’t need one and part through fearing what people would think of me walking around with one. There isn’t any point in worrying what others might think now.
Those days following Christmas Day and Boxing Day always feel weird. The first day back at work seems to go as slow as anything and it’s hard to adjust and remember exactly what day of the week it is. Normally, I’m ok with it, but this year I seem particularly bad. I woke up this morning at about 4:50am and struggled to get to proper sleep again (I usually get up for work just before 7am). All through the morning I felt tired and found it hard to concentrate. When I did come home in the afternoon all I wanted to do was sleep (at least today was my half day). I didn’t want to do anything else at all.
It’s not just today that it’s happened. It’s happened to me a lot in the last six months. I feel tired and devoid of energy. It’s a struggle sometimes to get up and do things. On days off I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything apart from stay in bed. As for work, I try and manage, but sometimes I find myself struggling to focus on what I’m doing. Often it feels like I’m doing too many things at once. It doesn’t help when it often feels like you’re the only one in the workplace (and a lot of time it is just me and my boss). It also doesn’t help when you feel that your manager doesn’t really want to know or give you any support, as illustrated by their body language and how abrupt they are with you when you even try and talk to them. It’s got to the point that I want to hand in my notice, but I don’t have another job to go to. I’ve applied for stuff in the last few months, only for them to come to nothing. One never even bothered to tell me that I hadn’t been shortlisted.
Everyone says I should hold on until I’ve got something else, but I don’t know how much longer I can. I’ve been down about my job a few times over the years, but not like this.
If life is a motorway, then I am stuck in a never-ending traffic jam while everyone else is moving forward at various speeds.
You might be able to tell that I’m not in the most positive mood today. It did start well enough. I guess every now and again, the amount of stuff you see and hear of people you know who are moving away, having a baby or getting engaged takes its toll on you a bit. Sure you’re happy for them, but you then realise that in some ways you haven’t progressed any further from where you were a year or two ago. In some ways, you may even stepped back. We carry on, work our arses off and make the best of the situation we’re in, but it doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.
Maybe I should stop looking at Facebook, shut down my account. I have thought about it a number of times in the past, then decided against it as I still really wanted to stay in touch with the majority of those I know on there. The plus side is that I don’t have many people on it so my Facebook timeline isn’t heaving with every little detail of people’s lives mixed with the odd inspirational quote and stupid meme. It’s all too easy to get caught up in what others are doing that you don’t focus on what you’re doing and what you’re capable of doing.
I’m straying into self-help territory, so I think I had better end this blog now.
Every now and again, when I’m bored, I look back on my old blog posts. Some make me smile, some make me cringe. The rest just make me wonder why on earth I ever thought about writing on that particular subject. But one thing that I do get from reading them, is just how I was feeling at the time I wrote them.
For me, the best posts I have are the ones in which I clearly show enthusiasm for what I’m doing. Even if the post I’m writing rambles in parts, I can tell that I wanted to write it and that I enjoyed getting it all out of my system. The worst ones are the ones in which it’s clear, to me at least, that I’ve pushed myself into posting something, however mundane, in order to try and show that this is still active. While it’s been tempting to delete these, I’ve kept them on the blog, as whatever I think about them, some might still want to read them. I just see them as a reason to improve.
Recently I’ve been posting fewer blogs, not just on here but on one of the other sites that I use. When I have posted, it’s been more out of doing so for the sake of it rather than because I had something I really wanted to share, and it shows. I’ve long known that it’s better not to blog than force yourself to, yet you still feel that you should try to, as you never know, you might well come up with something good while typing away.It rarely happens. It’s true that life has sort of got in the way of me posting as regularly as I would like to, but something has affected it more.
I don’t think my heart is in blogging anymore. I don’t think I enjoy writing in general as much as I used to. As someone who enjoyed making up stories and stuff from the moment she learned how to put pen to paper, it saddens me to say it. I’d like to think it was down to a massive case of writers block, but I’m not so sure. Thing is, I’ve not been enjoying this for a while and while I’ve tried to get myself back into it – even restarting an old blog on another platform- I’ve given up on trying,
Now I”m wondering whether it is time I gave up on this.
I like to think that I am a person who is always ready to help people out when they need it. I am always accommodating to people I work with and with anyone else who needs a favour. However, in recent times I wonder if I am too nice for my own good a lot of the time.
See the thing is, when people I work with are sick, I’m happy to accommodate them, even if I wish it wasn’t happening. In some cases I have had to work on my own with my manager as there is nobody else who can cover (we’re pretty stretched as it is staff wise where we work). However, whenever I am ill I find myself having to go into work even if it’s clear I am not fit to be there most of the time. This was particularly true when my knee problem was at its worst. I would be limping everywhere, bending down to get something from a lower shelf was painful and I would have to hold on to the worktop to be able to have a chance of getting back up again. I felt like I would be bollocked if I so much as asked if I could go home and rest up, despite it being clear I was in pain. If it was a day I had to open up (which is pretty much every day at the minute), I feared that I would have to get my parents to go round with the keys as the person who could open up didn’t have them. And if one person was sick and you were too, guess who was the one who had to just go in and put up with it?
And now today, I am faced with the prospect of having to do much of my shift on my own with management tomorrow as the person in question phoned me to say she wasn’t coming in. And someone else might not be coming in either as they have an appointment. It just also happens to be the day I’m in half a day and I can’t really stay until the other afternoon person comes. I’m hoping that someone will be able to do me a favour, but I don’t know if they can,or will. If they are unable to, then fine. It’s just annoying that the company I work for seems to think that we can work on a bare minimum number of staff, yet make us do everything in our power to get more business. And among it all, some of us lose out more than others.
I guess I do have the word “mug” on my forehead. I wish I could scrub it off easily.
Last time I looked, I am pretty sure I didn’t have the word “doormat” written on my forehead. So why do I feel like I am one?
I guess I’m fed up of making allowances for people who never take the opportunity to do favours for me. Sick of working my arse off without any thanks and being pressured into doing things that somebody else could do. Even when those people aren’t around I am made to feel the brunt of their stress. I’ve got enough stress in my life at the moment. Just leave me to get on with my life, and maybe give me a bit of support instead of giving me grief from the sidelines.
This afternoon, in an attempt to be productive while on annual leave I looked at jobs and courses on the internet. I searched all across the areas that I was interested in, both the part time and full time, the permanent and the temporary, all in the hope that there would be something interesting that would stand out to me (and in the case of any courses, relatively cheap).
The more I looked the more I realised that any job that I was even remotely interested in was either (a) too far away or (b) wanted experience which I did not have. When I looked even more, I realised that there was nothing which I could potentially have the skills for that stood out to me at all. It was then that I wondered whether I really have any idea of what I want at all. I mean, I want to get out of my current job I know that, but what do I want to go to? And even once I know what I want, do I feel like I have a chance of getting it? The last couple of times I applied for something I thought I could get, I didn’t. The last job I applied for I didn’t get an interview. In fact I didn’t get anything bar an email from the employer acknowledging that they had received my application form. Have I stayed in my current position too long to be able to escape it? Or should I just forget about all this because I’m on holiday and I should be blocking all thoughts of work out of my head?
I guess my mind is not in the right mode for this sort of thing right now.