30 Blogs of November: Day 14

If life is a motorway, then I am stuck in a never-ending traffic jam while everyone else is moving forward at various speeds.

You might be able to tell that I’m not in the most positive mood today. It did start well enough. I guess every now and again, the amount of stuff you see and hear of people you know who are moving away, having a baby or getting engaged takes its toll on you a bit. Sure you’re happy for them, but you then realise that in some ways you haven’t progressed any further from where you were a year or two ago. In some ways, you may even stepped back. We carry on, work our arses off and make the best of the situation we’re in, but it doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere.

Maybe I should stop looking at Facebook, shut down my account. I have thought about it a number of times in the past, then decided against it as I still really wanted to stay in touch with the majority of those I know on there. The plus side is that I don’t have many people on it so my Facebook timeline isn’t heaving with every little detail of people’s lives mixed with the odd inspirational quote and stupid meme. It’s all too easy to get caught up in what others are doing that you don’t focus on what you’re doing and what you’re capable of doing.

I’m straying into self-help territory, so I think I had better end this blog now.

Difficult

Every now and again, when I’m bored, I look back on my old blog posts. Some make me smile, some make me cringe. The rest just make me wonder why on earth I ever thought about writing on that particular subject. But one thing that I do get from reading them, is just how I was feeling at the time I wrote them.

For me, the best posts I have are the ones in which I clearly show enthusiasm for what I’m doing. Even if the post I’m writing rambles in parts, I can tell that I wanted to write it and that I enjoyed getting it all out of my system. The worst ones are the ones in which it’s clear, to me at least, that I’ve pushed myself into posting something, however mundane, in order to try and show that this is still active. While it’s been tempting to delete these, I’ve kept them on the blog, as whatever I think about them, some might still want to read them. I just see them as a reason to improve.

Recently I’ve been posting fewer blogs, not just on here but on one of the other sites that I use. When I have posted, it’s been more out of doing so for the sake of it rather than because I had something I really wanted to share, and it shows. I’ve long known that it’s better not to blog than force yourself to, yet you still feel that you should try to, as you never know, you might well come up with something good while typing away.It rarely happens. It’s true that life has sort of got in the way of me posting as regularly as I would like to, but something has affected it more.

I don’t think my heart is in blogging anymore. I don’t think I enjoy writing in general as much as I used to. As someone who enjoyed making up stories and stuff from the moment she learned how to put pen to paper, it saddens me to say it. I’d like to think it was down to a massive case of writers block, but I’m not so sure. Thing is, I’ve not been enjoying this for a while and while I’ve tried to get myself back into it – even restarting an old blog on another platform- I’ve given up on trying,

Now I”m wondering whether it is time I gave up on this.

NaBloPoMo Day 25: Mug.

I like to think that I am a person who is always ready to help people out when they need it. I am always accommodating to people I work with and with anyone else who needs a favour. However, in recent times I wonder if I am too nice for my own good a lot of the time.

See the thing is, when people I work with are sick, I’m happy to accommodate them, even if I wish it wasn’t happening. In some cases I have had to work on my own with my manager as there is nobody else who can cover (we’re pretty stretched as it is staff wise where we work). However, whenever I am ill I find myself having to go into work even if it’s clear I am not fit to be there most of the time. This was particularly true when my knee problem was at its worst. I would be limping everywhere, bending down to get something from a lower shelf was painful and I would have to hold on to the worktop to be able to have a chance of getting back up again. I felt like I would be bollocked if I so much as asked if I could go home and rest up, despite it being clear I was in pain. If it was a day I had to open up (which is pretty much every day at the minute), I feared that I would have to get my parents to go round with the keys as the person who could open up didn’t have them. And if one person was sick and you were too, guess who was the one who had to just go in and put up with it?

And now today, I am faced with the prospect of having to do much of my shift on my own with management tomorrow as the person in question phoned me to say she wasn’t coming in. And someone else might not be coming in either as they have an appointment. It just also happens to be the day I’m in half a day and I can’t really stay until the other afternoon person comes. I’m hoping that someone will be able to do me a favour, but I don’t know if they can,or will. If they are unable to, then fine. It’s just annoying that the company I work for seems to think that we can work on a bare minimum number of staff, yet make us do everything in our power to get more business. And among it all, some of us lose out more than others.

I guess I do have the word “mug” on my forehead. I wish I could scrub it off easily.

NaBloPoMo Day 14: Untitled

Last time I looked, I am pretty sure I didn’t have the word “doormat” written on my forehead. So why do I feel like I am one?

I guess I’m fed up of making allowances for people who never take the opportunity to do favours for me. Sick of working my arse off without any thanks and being pressured into doing things that somebody else could do. Even when those people aren’t around I am made to feel the brunt of their stress. I’ve got enough stress in my life at the moment. Just leave me to get on with my life, and maybe give me a bit of support instead of giving me grief from the sidelines.

Just looking.

This afternoon, in an attempt to be productive while on annual leave I looked at jobs and courses on the internet. I searched all across the areas that I was interested in, both the part time and full time, the permanent and the temporary, all in the hope that there would be something interesting that would stand out to me (and in the case of any courses, relatively cheap).

The more I looked the more I realised that any job that I was even remotely interested in was either (a) too far away or (b) wanted experience which I did not have. When I looked even more, I realised that there was nothing which I could potentially have the skills for that stood out to me at all. It was then that I wondered whether I really have any idea of what I want at all. I mean, I want to get out of my current job I know that, but what do I want to go to? And even once I know what I want, do I feel like I have a chance of getting it? The last couple of times I applied for something I thought I could get, I didn’t. The last job I applied for I didn’t get an interview. In fact I didn’t get anything bar an email from the employer acknowledging that they had received my application form. Have I stayed in my current position too long to be able to escape it?  Or should I just forget about all this because I’m on holiday and I should be blocking all thoughts of work out of my head?

I guess my mind is not in the right mode for this sort of thing right now.

Holiday

I’m on leave from work for the next two weeks. Once again, I have no idea what I’m doing for most of it. I have one or two things lined up, but for the most part I will be just resting. One thing’s for sure, I need it.

It nearly always seems to be the case that whenever I do plan on doing certain things when I am off, it never really comes to anything anyway. Before you go off, you say you’ll do things like clear out your old stuff you don’t want anymore, go through your finances, start on that novel you’ve been wanting to write for ages, then when the time does come along, you just can’t be arsed with it at all. Then by the time your leave is over, you feel guilty thinking you never really did anything during your time off.

For the record, I’m aiming to use the time off I have to catch up on the Doctor Who episodes I’ve missed, continue with the online photography course I’ve had to put off for a while and maybe think about what I really want out of this thing called life. And work on that novel.

You ain’t seen me, right?

I’m hiding out on here for a bit. 

I’m having another one of those times when I am just fed up of Facebook and Twitter, the urge to tell the world what I’m doing or thinking and seeing what everybody else is. I haven’t posted on Twitter for nearly 24 hours now. I didn’t even tweet once during the X Factor which, unless I am out somewhere is something that I never do. Some might consider that a relief to be quite honest. I have to admit, it did feel quite good to actually watch the programme without tapping my feelings about each person auditioning and what I think of the judges. Incidentally, Mel B is not as bad as I thought she’d be, Cheryl is OK at the moment, Simon hasn’t got on my nerves yet and Louis is, well, Louis. 

I suppose I will return to twitter in the next day or so, but for now I am taking a break from filling in the little “what’s happening?” box. I will probably check my timeline now and again but I am trying to avoid doing so. I’ve even turned off all notifications in my twitter app so I limit the chances of checking it as well as try to make the battery and data allowance on my iPhone last a bit longer. It’s for the people who follow me’s benefit as well as my own. I feel like all I have done is rant and moan recently and there’s been a few times recently where I wish I hadn’t logged into Twitter or FB. Last night was one of them. I don’t wish to worry anyone (not that they should really be worried about me anyway), but I think after last night I need a bit of time to myself, to sort things out. I’ve let too much get on top of me. Maybe it’s the right time to just back off a little bit.

 

 

Rubbish

You know how it is, you come on here with the intention of writing something and you end up just changing your blog’s theme instead. 

Really, I did want to post something on here today but I couldn’t come up with anything, which is pretty much the case here these days. It’s not that I have fallen out of love with blogging, it’s just that I don’t really have the chance to sit down and come out with anything decent. Plus when I do have something that I think could make a good entry, I write it down, get stuck for words and end up abandoning it. While I know I shouldn’t be frustrated and it’s something that you shouldn’t get frustrated about I am. I don’t what it says about me (something not good, I bet), but I just wish that I could devote more time to this and be able to have something to say, rather than just go through the motions or post some “I’m still here” post like this is turning out to be. 

I hate to say it, but maybe I am not finding this fun anymore after all.

CVs, Novels and general writing

Those are what I have been trying to do over the last few days.

I signed up to one of those websites where you can build your CV online for free. I’ve got as far as writing my name, address and where I went to school, college and uni.

I bought this workbook that helps you plan and write out a novel. It is really informative and generally helpful, but I am a bit scared of writing anything in it, as it is far too nice to have any of my scribblings written in it.  I just don’t want to wreck it, okay? Even though it is intended to be wrecked, I suppose.

I really want to make a go of things with both, but I can’t seem to get in the right mindset for either. Sure I am a bit more up for the former, given that I am now more determined than ever to change jobs, but I just can’t seem to get on with it.

Can someone please give me a kick up the arse? Or the online equivalent at least?

Sorry to trouble you.

Hey Internet, do you have a moment? I know you’re pretty busy a lot of the time, what with publishing your Facebook statuses,  gazing at pictures of cats and everything, but can I talk to you for a bit?  I feel the need to get a few things off my chest – and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone else.

So, you know those people who appear to be happy with their lot, who, whenever you ask them how they’re feeling, always respond with an “OK thanks” and who insist that everything’s fine? You know they’re lying 90% of the time, don’t you? I should know, I’m one of those people.

I’ve always been one of those people who have tried to hide their feelings, who let all their worries and frustrations build up. Thing is, there comes a point when those worries build up so much that you end up letting them out all at once. By now I should have learned not to, but it still happens. I guess it’s because I don’t want to bother people with my problems, get people involved, as they probably have their own stuff to deal with, or just think that they wouldn’t understand if I told them.

Truth is, I am not “fine” at the moment, and I haven’t been for some time. This year so far has been made up of more crap moments than good moments, and I don’t see it getting much better. For the first time in my life, I was scared that I was going to lose one of my parents, I mean really scared. The days that I was having to go into work, worrying about my Dad all the time he was in hospital, while at the same time worrying about my Mum and wishing that I was able to help her more as she was running back and forth.  When I failed to get that job I applied for earlier this year, I said I was happy that I’d got to the interview stage, seeing as I didn’t think I’d get as far as the first stage of the application. That “happiness” quickly turned into the good old feeling of rejection made worse by the fact that the whole application and interview process had been so bloody pleasant. It was like being kicked to pieces by the nicest people on Earth. I didn’t expect to get through anyway if I’m honest. Looking back, I was out of my depth throughout the whole assessment day.

Then there’s work. I’m going to say it now, I have never hated it more than I do now. I won’t go into the entire details, but basically, I don’t feel like I belong there as much as I used to.  It feels like I am not as valued as some other people I work with and that the person who I should be able to turn to for help and support don’t want to know. In fact that person seems to not want to do anything except make things difficult for me. I won’t lie, there have been one or two moments where I have wanted to tell them to stick their job and storm out.  In reality, I don’t have the guts to go through with it. I guess I’m stuck there until I find something else, which is highly unlikely at the moment.

And then to cap it all off, I have my own little health problem to deal with. Not an incredibly serious one, but bad enough to need a referral to a specialist. This problem has been with me for about two years ,but only now as it’s got really bad, is anything being done about it. When I think about how many times I’d been to the doctor about it, it annoys me that it’s only really being dealt with now. It might not have got as bad as this if I’d been referred for a scan the first time round. I just hope any treatment I get will help reduce the limping, sleepness nights and general shitty moods that I have had  since it reared its ugly head again.

While I have tried to fight it, I have got to the stage where I just feel like giving up. On everything. I see everyone I know moving forward with their lives, whether in their careers or their relationships and I am just stuck here. And whenever I try to do something about it, I get thrown back to where I started.  I can’t get a boyfriend to save my life and can’t believe that anyone would be the slightest bit interested in me  anyway, which I am fully aware adds to the problem. I’m fed up of feeling like I’m not good enough for anyone or anything, and that I am stuck where I am. I don’t know what more I can do, so why carry on trying?

I know I am going to regret writing a lot of this afterwards. I already feel like I have taken up far too much of your time. I just hope you understand why I felt like I had to write this. If you have been here all the way through, thanks for reading. And I promise I won’t write anything like this again.